my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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