Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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