just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
