im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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