i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
