no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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