oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
