I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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