I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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