I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
