Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
