I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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