The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
