I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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