We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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