ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
