You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
