Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
