i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
