Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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