Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
