he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
