my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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