i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
