the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
3pm strippers are depressing
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
