It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Randomize
