I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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