If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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