i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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