i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
