you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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