I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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