I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
