Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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