As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
