I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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