The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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