So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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