If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
