guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
