just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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