I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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