Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
