I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
