every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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