what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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