I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
