i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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