All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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