Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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