I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
