please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
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Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
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How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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