apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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