your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
